I feel like an idiot and it's no one's fault but my own.  I'm a pretty intuitive person and I'm good at knowing what I should do to better my opportunies or chances in certain things, be it work, relationships or whatever.  So, for about 3 months, I've been hanging out with someone.  It was incredibly flirty and seemed to be leading somewhere until we both hit a point of being afraid to taking things further.  My solution to this was to procrastinate and hope that the "perfect" situation would present itself.  Well, in waiting for this perfect situation, I waited myself RIGHT out of said opportunity.  Last week, he met someone when he went out.  Since then there's been talking on the phone, a bowling date with another friend and they are going out to dinner tonight.  I lost my shot.  I'm so angry with myself I could scream.  I asked him about it today because I wanted to know why nothing happened and it's just what I imagined.  Basically, he felt like there could be something there and it could turn into something else, but once he became unsure of what to do and I wasn't making any moves or anything either he started looking around. 

So, what's are the lessons learned here?

1) Don't underestimate yourself or let your shitty self esteem get the better of you
2) Don't procrastinate

I'm such a tool it's unreal.  I finally get a legitimate crush on someone that was reciprocal and I fucked it up by doing absolutely nothing, literally.  You would think that at some point in your life you actually figure something out and do it, but nope, this apparently doesn't apply to me.  I allow my fucked up, stupid brain to convince myself out of it because my self esteem is so horrible the idea that ANYONE would be interested in me is too much to actually comprehend or understand. 

I just want to give up on this whole dating/relationship thing so bad, but I don't want to be single anymore really either.  Fuck.

So, I found out something today at work that I'm literally not allowed to tell anyone about and it's making me crazy!!  I can't even post about it on my myspace or facebook because I have friends from work on my friends lists.  Since no one on my friends list here works with me, I'm letting it all out here.  About 2 wks ago, a supervisor position opened up at my job.  I'm a coordinator there, essentially lowest man on the totem pole.  I do, however, have 15 yrs management experience and I happen to rock at my job (this is the ONLY aspect of my life where I have ample self esteem).  Anyways, I decided to apply.  My interview was on Friday of last week and went really well.  Still, I wasn't getting my hopes up because there were team leads that applied as well as some staff members who've been there a long time (I've not even been there a yr).  Today, my GM comes over to me and asks if he can meet with me at 3:45pm.  This happened at around 11a.  So, the majority of my afternoon was spent thinking "I wonder if I got the job or are they telling people that they went another route."  I went to my meeting at 3:45p and was officially offered the job!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm now the Evening Supervisor at Connex International.  I'm so freaking happy it's unreal.  I'm not allowed to say anything to anyone from work until it's officially announced to the company later this week.  This is INCREDIBLY trying.  It never really sank in that I couldn't even post about it on myspace or facebook, so once I put that together I was like "Oh god, how the hell am I going to make it all week without saying something?!"  Ahhhhh, thank you LJ for saving me and allowing me some release :)

Anyways, I'm thoroughly excited.  This is literally a $12k increase in pay per year.  I beat out people who are fully trained, have lots of experience and some that are already in team lead positions (the liason person between coordinators and supervisors).  I feel really grateful that I was chosen given the competition I had.  I'm also just beyond pleased with myself.  I KNEW I was qualified for the position and nothing kept me from applying.  During my interview, I was honest but also sure in my abilities and, well, it paid off!!!  I am so freaking happy!!!!

I can't write about this in my normal blog because there are people who can't read this, but if I don't get it out, I'm going to go crazy.  ( Sex )

So, if anyone who reads my blog here doesn't know, I am a self injurer.  I haven't injured in probably 3 to 4 months now, but it's something I lapse back into every now and again and end up hating myself for it.  Today, after thinking it over for a few months, I removed myself from the cutting communities I belonged to here on LJ.  It's not because I feel like I am forever free of the urge to injure.  I don't think I ever will be honestly.  The main reason I removed myself was that I just can't be part of a group that almost encourages injuring.  There are hardly ever mentions of how people are trying to triumph over their addiction, rather the members seem to support each others cutting.  And well, they are essentially, comprised of LOTS of stereotypical teenage girls who are (Yep, I'm going to say it) LOOKING FOR ATTENTION!  Yay!!  Push the mass impression that all injurers are really just narcissitic, attention seeking girls.  Ahhhh, it does great things for those of us who really hate that others see our mistakes on us and really want nothing more than to never have to deal with the urge or need to injure again.  Good job!  So, yeah, based on that, I've finally let them go.  

Personally, like I said, I haven't injured in a few months.  There's not been any urge to either, which is a big change for me.  Generally, there seemed to be a desire to injure at least once every couple weeks.  Although I've had some pretty down moments in the last few months, my mind hasn't strayed to cutting.  Heh, I did have a moment last night though where I found one of my X-acto knives and thought "Wow, I've not wanted to injure in a long time"  I'll take that as progress ;)

I've never been one to not just come right out and say something to someone when there's something bothering me about them.  However, I'm having an issue with a friend right now and I'm not to a place where I'd be able to say something without freaking out.  So, in order to keep from going insane, I'm going to vent on my lj.  She doesn't read or know about this blog, so I can have my shit fit here and just get some of it out and then form a way to actually talk to her about it without getting all psycho.

( This could get long, so here's the *snip* )

Heh, this is a very appropriate question for me at the moment.  I've been crushing hard on someone that I work with over the last couple months.  There seems to be some reciprocal flirting going on, but there's nothing that's telltale from his end.  To add to the matter, he's my boss :)  So, do I tell him??  NO!  At least not at this point in time.  If I were to do it now, I fear that it would change the dynamic way too much at work.  Not to mention, I'd feel like he had some kind of upper hand on the situation and I don't like that :)  The situation would be different if we were at a non-work related function and there was an obvious chemistry, then given those circumstances I may decide differently.  Right now though, I think all it would do is add some discomfort on both our ends at work and I wouldn't want that happening.  I work in a very laid back environment and, for the time being, I'm content with the flirting to be honest.  It adds something to the day and makes me look forward to going.  If that were to change it may become stressful and I would end up worrying about every tiny little thing.  That wouldn't be condusive to the work itself.

Heh, you've probably already gotten the email or seen it on my myspace but fuck, I'm excited.  I GOT PUBLISHED!!!  I am part of a freelance writing website and today they published 2 of my poems.  I am so happy and proud of myself.  To anyone reading this PLEASE go to the pages, I make extra money based on views.  Hell, even if you hate poetry just open the page and close it back up :)  Heh, after years and years of writing, I finally got something published, I'm too happy.  :)  I hope you enjoy them.

Starving 

Plunge

So, I haven't heard anything back from Sunflower and I am supposed to start on Monday.   I know that is a good thing, but well, no one ever told me what time I need to be there on Monday.  I have called the manager of the program twice, left voicemails both times and haven't gotten a call back.  I'm not sure what I am supposed to do here.  If I don't hear anything by 5pm, I'm going to call the main customer service line and ask them, because she isn't answering or returning voicemails.  Grrrrr.  It's a bit aggravating.  

I went down to pick up my last check from my old job today and the checks won't be in until tomorrow.  Apparently, they didn't get paperwork faxed over in time this week, so checks are backed up by a day.  It was a little frustrating to go all the way down there and find out that it was a fruitless trip.  Luckily, Tessie (my kitty) has enough cat food to cover through a few more days and I don't need anything majorly important that can't wait.  

Otherwise, I went through all my clothes and have been deciding what deserves to stay and what needs to go.  I have a huge bag of throw away stuff.  I'm going to have to get over to the Goodwill sometime this wknd to drop them off.  All it has done though is make me have like 3 loads of laundry to do :)  That's ok though, it's done after this and I won't have a ton of clothes around they I'm not wearing or plan to wear anytime soon.  
 

 I quit my job at Affinitas.  I posted a long entry on my myspace blog about it, so you can read it there if you want.  Basically, the management sucks and there is no adherence to policy unless you screw up.  So, I went upstairs to the local cable company and applied with them.  On Friday and interviewed and was hired that day.  The downfall to Sunflower is that they drug test.  While I don't smoke a lot of pot, I do once a day everyday and there was no way I was going to use my own urine for the test.  Luckily, I have clean friends.  I had my drug test today and you have to provide enough in the cup to cover this little white line.  Yeah, I was a smidge under it with the "sample" I had.  Ended up that I did have to pee a little into it and I will admit, I'm nervous.  I know that unless you have at least 50cc of urine, they can't make a conclusive test result.  If I loosely estimate, I had 40cc of the clean sample and maybe 15cc of mine.  Wish me luck, because I need and want this job.

In the last couple of days, I have joined a few different communities here on lj.  Some because they just interest me, others because I think they can help me.  I got a welcome message today from someone who used to date my current bf.  Weird.  I don't think she knows I am his current, but it was still just bizarre.  I was nervous when I saw it to say the least.  

I had a pretty heavy bipolar day yesterday.  For some reason, it just seemed like everything made me weepy.  I didn't allow myself to actually break down and cry until today though.  And well, today I cried because I just had to let it out somehow.  This is the first emotional day I have had in a couple weeks though.  They seem to be becoming fewer and more far between, but it's hard telling honestly.  The more I am learning how to recognize those days and feelings though, the better I am becoming at dealing with them.  At least I haven't had a panic attack in almost a month, that kicks ass because they SUCK!

The only other interesting and happy thing that happened today is I GOT MY FIRST CORSET TODAY!!!  OMG, I look outstanding in it!  I'm going to do some alterations on it though.  My boobs are just big enough that the front sags just a tad because my boobs are pulling it down some.  So, I'm going to add some straps to it to keep it up and I'm going to change the ribbon in the back because they used 2 smaller pieces whereas, in my opinion, one longer piece would be much more effective.  I am incredibly pleased though and thoroughly excited about how I look in it.  I have another one ordered and there are at least 4 others I would like, including one that is like $200.  I need to learn how to sew and use my creativity on this one, I think :)

 I don't know why these little writer's block things intrigue me, but they do.  The biggest influence on my writing, in recent history at least, is being honest and not forcing something out.  I have wanted to write as a career for a long time, but I kept getting stuck.  Either I didn't have the resources to flesh an idea or the ideas just wouldn't come.  So, for a long time, I just didn't write at all.  There was a period of time when I didn't even journal in real time or online.  A few months ago when my bipolar diagnosis came, I decided to start journaling again, in hopes it would help me sort out the mes that is in my head.  It ended up helping me make writing something I do everyday and look forward to it.  There's never a time when I have to force something out into print now.  The ideas come easier and flow smoother than they ever have before.  The more I use my words in this manner, the easier it becomes to actually put thoughts into something tangible.  

The honesty in my writing helps a lot too.  I have gone from writing with a major reason, to just writing what I feel, hope, want, and dream.   It's become my open forum to just say what I want and not worry that it will be critiqued or scruntinized; it's mine.

I have experienced numerous occasions in my life where someone said to me that they had a choice between hurting me or doing something else that would make them uncomfortable and it leads me to wonder, why is it so easy to choose to hurt me??  Why am I willingly thrown under the wheels of the bus??  Why don't my emotions matter enough for those people to choose the other situation?  

I deserve so much more than that!  I am an amazing woman; I'm smart, funny, compassionate, attractive, open-minded and a million different things, but yet, sometimes it feels like none of that matters.  I am a toy in most people's lives that can be pulled out when they want me or shoved to the side when a better toy is available.  FUCK THAT!!!  I am worthy of more than that and I will be DAMNED if I am willingly put in this situation anymore.  If I have to come off like an egotistical, psychopathic, bitch to prove that than that is what I will do.  My emotions are just as valid and worthwhile as anyone elses.  And if the people I surround myself with can't see that, then maybe they don't need to be in my life.  Yes, it will hurt to remove them and the positive things they have meant in my life, but when the negative things outweigh the positive, it may be time to cut losses and just walk away.  

Thus far, we are at 2 strikes; one more and it's game over.  I'm not going to keep putting myself in this situation, to feel worthless and as if I don't matter.  I matter just as much as anyone else in this world and I will be damned if I let anyone make me feel like this anymore.   No one should be able to make me feel this badly unless I let them and I am not going to let them anymore.  And if you're reading this and thinking it's egotistical or whatever, I don't really care.  If you're not the person who created my ire, then you don't have to concern yourself with it.

Things have been all over the place lately.  I had the break up w/ Brendan, accepting my new "relationship" with Brendan and a few very heavy bipolar moments.  Then there was tonight.  I was in a situation with a friend of mine and our timing didn't work out well, and I flipped my cork, to put it mildly.  The worst part of it, every bit of it revolves around men.  When the hell I am just going to be able to offer MYSELF something without having to have some kind of male companionship at all times??  Will that ever come?  

One of my biggest fears in the world is ending up alone.  I am completely against the idea of marriage.  It's an outdated, ignorant trap.  I will never need a piece of paper to make my relationship whole or real and I will be damned if a piece of paper is also going to keep me somewhere or make it more difficult for me to leave if I need/have to.  But yet, I feel this overwhelming need to have a partner in my life.  Someone to be there for me to "take care of me" (I hate that term, because that's not what it is, but it's the only thing that works right now).  Someone to help pull me up when I drift completely down into that evil, dark place that my heart and head seem to love for one reason or another.  Someone who will love me and I can feel and tell that they love me, actually feel the emotions behind those words.  GGGGGGGGGRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

It'd be a million times easier if I even knew what I was doing or what I wanted.  Why can't I just be a normal woman?  Why the hell am I so conflicted at just having the standard get a job, have a boyfriend, get married, pop out a kid kind of existence???  I love that I am a unique person, but just once I would like one normal thing for my life.  Just one.  Just some foothold in this life.  Some balancing point or place of contentment.  

Maybe I should start dating girls again?

Everyday, I am guaranteed to wake up to an amazing email from an equally amazing person.  Today, I was running late and didn't get a chance to read my mail until after I got home from work.  And it's nice that I waited :)  Not only did I get my daily email (Thank you Sweetie :) ), but there was an email from Brendan, further explaining why he broke up with me.  I am just as happy to get that email.  

Basically, Brendan doesn't know what his life is going to turn out like at all.  He doesn't want to hold on to this relationship and run the risk of losing himself in it again and then still not knowing where his life will turn up.  I totally understand and feel the exact same way.  Since I had been diagnosed with bipolar, I literally have to change every bad facet of my life, and some of the good ones too.  One of the major things I have been learning about the disorder is you need to simplify your life.  Being in a relationship with someone who is 1000 miles away and hoping to make it work is not going to simplify my life at all and is actually going to make it that much more complicated.  He is open to the idea of getting back together sometime, but we will have to see where we are at.  And he even went as far as to say that if and when I come to visit him, he may very well still attack me because he still can't imagine being with anyone else in a sexual capacity (*cheers*  Yea!  :D ).  The whole email, while it did make me a little sad, made me feel so much better about where we are at.  I know he loves me and reading that just made  it clear that while we may not be in a relationship, I'm not losing him out of my life.  And quite honestly, I couldn't imagine not having him in my life in some capacity.

So, I am officially single and I'm not sure what that means yet, but I am sure I will find out.  Bipolar wise, I have been a little manic this week, but nothing major.  Overall, I am very happy with where this week is going and it only gets better.  On that note, I'll end.  

This week has been torturous to say the least, and at this point, the easiest way to explain any of it is to just add this 

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&FriendID=16603191&blogMonth=8&blogDay=3&blogYear=2007

I'm too wiped out from the whole situation to write it over again.  I am slowly regaining some solace though.  It's a daily process, but still just something I never really imagined I would be going through or that would really happen.  So, yeah, I'm still in mourning, but I'll come through it ok.  Luckily, I have a great support staff from friends, family, and my support group on yahoo.  Still shitty though, like my icon says "If you are going through Hell, keep going."  Eventually, it will get better.

I could not be any more overjoyed about having some alone time this wknd.  My Mom and Bill are going to have a date night, so I will have some actual alone time in the house.  YEA YEA YEA!!!  I am so desparately in need of just being with me and that's it.  More than likely, I won't do anything of importance.  It will probably turn out that I spend time with my internet bf and not a whole lot else.  But the idea that I will have no one to listen to other than me, if I want to spend time in the living room I can, I can watch whatever the hell I want to.  IT WILL BE WONDIFEROUS!

Work was alright today, nothing terribly excited.  We have started working with the major program we will be using once we get out on the floor.  Angela (our trainer) stuck us on the computers today to read about it and the info was in one document that was 188 pgs long and the other was 111 pgs long.  Yeah, that really gets you amped for a Monday.  It actually irritated me a little bit.  Reading through a bunch of information that you know nothing about is sort of pointless.  You have no basis for comparison and it inevitably just becomes words on a screen.  By the afternoon Angela was pretty sick (she has a cold or something icky) and they sent her home.  This guy, Jason, trained us for the rest of the day.  Jason is a lead for retention and works with the program on a daily basis.  The difference between him and Angela training was grossly obvious.  He rocked ass!!  I learned more from him this afternoon than I have learned to date.  Not that Angela isn't a good trainer, I think she is, but she hasn't been as exposed to retention as Jason has.  Tomorrow he will be with us again because Angela has a dr's appt.  I am so secretly hoping he will take over for the duration of the class.  He even put the smack down when the sor. whore and her little man sluts started their high school bullshit of talking and talking and talking.  *crosses her fingers*  Please please please please, let us keep Jason.

I have held a theory for a long time that women are pretty catty individuals.  There are underhanded stabs made and innuendos, but no balls to actual come out and say anything.  I've had it happen to me, personally, a bunch of times and it has helped me decide to not have many friendships with women.  This is just a random scenario of this I saw on TV tonight.  I was watching a HORRIBLY bad show, "Age of Love" on NBC.  It's a stupid dating show, where some hot, rich younger guy has to choose the love of his life from a group of women.  The catch of this show being half of the women are in their 20's, the other half are in their 40's.   Tonight was the first night I have ever seen it (and I watched purely because I didn't want to hunt down the remote) and I was not surprised that within the first 10 minutes every women on there was being immature and assholish right off the bat.  They were sugary sweet to one another's faces but starting gossip, talking bad about one another and plotting on knocking people down right off the bat.  I do not understand that concept what so ever, if you have something to say, open your damn mouth!!  Men tend to be more honest about things, they generally come right out and approach an issue.  Women, to me, seem more prone to play head games and skirt around an issue hoping to make it disappear.  That doesn't work and never will.  Even when I had close friendships with women, there seemed to be some underlying "thing" going on.  I do have some incredibly close female friends, but they are exceptional women.  They, like me, carry a more masculine mentality.  There isn't an underbiting, they're direct in their opinions, and there are no games.  When I have something to say, I come out with it.  I don't beat around the bush and plot little schemes on how to take my "competition" out of the picture or break them.  Anyways, I am rambling, just struck up a thought in my head.