I feel like an idiot and it's no one's fault but my own. I'm a pretty intuitive person and I'm good at knowing what I should do to better my opportunies or chances in certain things, be it work, relationships or whatever. So, for about 3 months, I've been hanging out with someone. It was incredibly flirty and seemed to be leading somewhere until we both hit a point of being afraid to taking things further. My solution to this was to procrastinate and hope that the "perfect" situation would present itself. Well, in waiting for this perfect situation, I waited myself RIGHT out of said opportunity. Last week, he met someone when he went out. Since then there's been talking on the phone, a bowling date with another friend and they are going out to dinner tonight. I lost my shot. I'm so angry with myself I could scream. I asked him about it today because I wanted to know why nothing happened and it's just what I imagined. Basically, he felt like there could be something there and it could turn into something else, but once he became unsure of what to do and I wasn't making any moves or anything either he started looking around.
So, what's are the lessons learned here?
1) Don't underestimate yourself or let your shitty self esteem get the better of you
2) Don't procrastinate
I'm such a tool it's unreal. I finally get a legitimate crush on someone that was reciprocal and I fucked it up by doing absolutely nothing, literally. You would think that at some point in your life you actually figure something out and do it, but nope, this apparently doesn't apply to me. I allow my fucked up, stupid brain to convince myself out of it because my self esteem is so horrible the idea that ANYONE would be interested in me is too much to actually comprehend or understand.
I just want to give up on this whole dating/relationship thing so bad, but I don't want to be single anymore really either. Fuck.
So, I found out something today at work that I'm literally not allowed to tell anyone about and it's making me crazy!! I can't even post about it on my myspace or facebook because I have friends from work on my friends lists. Since no one on my friends list here works with me, I'm letting it all out here. About 2 wks ago, a supervisor position opened up at my job. I'm a coordinator there, essentially lowest man on the totem pole. I do, however, have 15 yrs management experience and I happen to rock at my job (this is the ONLY aspect of my life where I have ample self esteem). Anyways, I decided to apply. My interview was on Friday of last week and went really well. Still, I wasn't getting my hopes up because there were team leads that applied as well as some staff members who've been there a long time (I've not even been there a yr). Today, my GM comes over to me and asks if he can meet with me at 3:45pm. This happened at around 11a. So, the majority of my afternoon was spent thinking "I wonder if I got the job or are they telling people that they went another route." I went to my meeting at 3:45p and was officially offered the job!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm now the Evening Supervisor at Connex International. I'm so freaking happy it's unreal. I'm not allowed to say anything to anyone from work until it's officially announced to the company later this week. This is INCREDIBLY trying. It never really sank in that I couldn't even post about it on myspace or facebook, so once I put that together I was like "Oh god, how the hell am I going to make it all week without saying something?!" Ahhhhh, thank you LJ for saving me and allowing me some release :)
Anyways, I'm thoroughly excited. This is literally a $12k increase in pay per year. I beat out people who are fully trained, have lots of experience and some that are already in team lead positions (the liason person between coordinators and supervisors). I feel really grateful that I was chosen given the competition I had. I'm also just beyond pleased with myself. I KNEW I was qualified for the position and nothing kept me from applying. During my interview, I was honest but also sure in my abilities and, well, it paid off!!! I am so freaking happy!!!!
So, if anyone who reads my blog here doesn't know, I am a self injurer. I haven't injured in probably 3 to 4 months now, but it's something I lapse back into every now and again and end up hating myself for it. Today, after thinking it over for a few months, I removed myself from the cutting communities I belonged to here on LJ. It's not because I feel like I am forever free of the urge to injure. I don't think I ever will be honestly. The main reason I removed myself was that I just can't be part of a group that almost encourages injuring. There are hardly ever mentions of how people are trying to triumph over their addiction, rather the members seem to support each others cutting. And well, they are essentially, comprised of LOTS of stereotypical teenage girls who are (Yep, I'm going to say it) LOOKING FOR ATTENTION! Yay!! Push the mass impression that all injurers are really just narcissitic, attention seeking girls. Ahhhh, it does great things for those of us who really hate that others see our mistakes on us and really want nothing more than to never have to deal with the urge or need to injure again. Good job! So, yeah, based on that, I've finally let them go.
Personally, like I said, I haven't injured in a few months. There's not been any urge to either, which is a big change for me. Generally, there seemed to be a desire to injure at least once every couple weeks. Although I've had some pretty down moments in the last few months, my mind hasn't strayed to cutting. Heh, I did have a moment last night though where I found one of my X-acto knives and thought "Wow, I've not wanted to injure in a long time" I'll take that as progress ;)